Usually we save all the sneaky tricks and techniques for the newsletter, but today I’m feeling rambunctious so I decided I’d uncork some of the good stuff.
Don’t read today’s post unless you want to reach out and scoop more than your fair share of customers and sales. If you’re already making more money than you want, this one’s not for you.
Are you evil enough to join us?
OK. Here are 7 dastardly, fiendish, and just plain frickin’ evil tactics to get ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Or more customers. Whatever.
Evil tactic #1: Ask for the order
The Dr. Evil mind-control labs have determined that you can materially boost the response to anything just by issuing a clear, well-defined call to action.
This radically increases response to your offers, and yet does not require you to do any additional work. Clearly an evil scheme.
- Want more blog subscribers? Tell them to enter their email for free updates.
- Want them to click? Tell them to Click Here.
- Want more customers? Tell them to Add the Product to their Frickin’ Cart Already.
I wish I could make it more complicated for you, but it turns out the simpler and more straightforward you make your call to action, the better it works.
Evil tactic #2: Offer an unfair guarantee
When you offer a freakishly strong guarantee, you take the risk on yourself rather than putting it onto your customer.
This effects deep-seated neurological change that is tantamount to mind control. Combine this with the call to action and you have all but eliminated free will. The customer becomes your enthralled minion.
You evil genius, you.
Evil tactic #3: Give them a reason to act today
Let’s face it, most prospects are spineless weaklings lacking the strength of purpose to commit true evil.
Also, they procrastinate.
Give them enough time, and they’ll wiggle out of the sale faster than Austin Powers escaping an unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.
In order to keep them from escaping your clutches, give prospects a compelling reason to buy today.
The usual way to get this done is to limit your offer, either by restricting the number you’ll sell or by giving them a deadline to buy.
One warning: don’t lie or give fake information about your limited offers. If you tell them you only have 100 limited-edition poseable Frau Farbissina action dolls, you can’t give out 101. While it’s true that fake scarcity is evil, it is also lame. Which we try to avoid.
Evil tactic #4: Have higher standards
No, I’m not talking about being a perfectionist. You’ll never rule the world by being a perfectionist.
The pursuit of true evil, however, does require high standards.
Standards are well-defined. You get to decide just what, specifically, you’ll have high standards about.
It might be the quality of your product. It might be your business ethics. It might be the brilliantly fiendish complexity of your evil schemes.
Standards are also measurable, and there are consequences for failing to meet them.
“We’ll get right back to you” isn’t a standard, it’s an ideal.
“We’ll respond to your email within one business day or we’ll detonate an explosive that destroys our secret volcano lair” is a standard.
Evil tactic #5: Use secret language to enthrall them to your will
It’s a secret known only to a handful of supervillains, several thousand direct response copywriters, and 133,631 subscribers to this blog.
There exist two secret trigger words that can turn prospects into enslaved robotic mutants who live only to do your bidding.
Evil tactic #6: Use the power of numbers
We could tell you all the underlying psychological reasons that the numbered list post is more effective than a tank full of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.
We could tell you, but then we’d have to kill you.
Yes, everyone’s already using numbers in their headlines. Yes, you’re sick of them. Suck it up. Do you want to wear the daddy pants or don’t you?
Evil tactic #7: Deploy the unfair offer
Here’s the one that separates an internationally known criminal genius from a Mini-Me.
This is the one that will make your competition cry like schoolchildren with low self-esteem. It’s deadlier than a “laser” on the moon, and freakier than Goldmember.
If you make an offer for something your market really, really wants, it takes almost no persuasion to get your prospects to take it.
No, I know, it’s almost too diabolical to use.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
For the most up-to-date evil advice you’ll find on marketing your business online, subscribe to the free Copyblogger newsletter, Internet Marketing for Frickin’ Smart People.