Editor’s Note: Don’t worry, this is satire. But we do have a great resource if you need your own “RealWriter” — check out our page of Copyblogger Certified Content Marketers!)
Finally, after years of clumsy, clunky automated tools for “spinning,” scraping, regurgitating, and extruding low-quality content, we’ve found a solution.
This resource produces sharp, smart, audience-engaging content every time. Over time, it even calibrates itself to produce more effective headlines, to tailor content to the precise needs of your audience and customers, and to automatically generate semantically relevant alternative keyword phrases.
We’re calling this resource RealWriter — and if you don’t implement it for your content marketing program, you’re missing out.
RealWriter offers some incredible improvements over earlier content automation solutions.
RealWriter is optimized to create content that audiences care about
RealWriter uses advanced algorithms including RealEmpathy, RealResearch, and RealListening to craft content that actually makes your audience more engaged and helps them develop positive emotional associations with your company.
In fact, regular use of RealWriter can create a 743% lift in your audience’s connection, enjoyment, skin tone, cardiovascular fitness, and satisfaction with life choices. *
RealWriter’s sophisticated technology allows for deployment of stories, metaphors, analogies, and extreme right-brain no-seriously-where-the-heck-did-that-come-from insights.
And all of this is included with the cost of your RealWriter install.
RealWriter is a Google-endorsed resource
Google’s spam team has made it clear — if you’re using anything other than RealWriter to craft your content, you’re doing it wrong.
RealWriter (and especially RealWriter Professional Edition) will make a dramatic improvement in your site’s SEO. It’s so important that RealWriter is recommended by every reputable SEO firm as a resource that you cannot afford to do without.
Clumsy, ugly, badly optimized gibberish is a thing of the past with RealWriter.
In fact, RealWriter will probably be compelled to go back and correct your old horrible content to RealWriter standard — because some of that stuff makes RealWriter really, really twitchy.
Bonus: RealWriter can handle your social accounts, too!
Yes, incredibly enough, for an additional fee, RealWriter can be deployed to manage your company’s presence on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn, or the platform of your choice.
RealWriter even proactively learns new platforms as they become important to your audience.
RealWriter can ensure that your social media accounts reflect well on you, especially when they’re fully optimized with RealBusinessJudgment (premium fees may apply).
RealWriter’s social media functionality seamlessly integrates with your content-creation program — and it’s all built into the algorithm.
RealWriter comes in a virtually endless array of configurations
RealWriter can be deployed to cover literally any field of human endeavor. RealWriter will also let you know when you’ve used the word literally properly.
RealWriter is available in all human languages (plus Klingon), for all topics, and in a virtually endless variety of tones and voices.
RealWriter is optionally available with Humor, Quirkiness, and Snark options. Note that these features occasionally make RealWriter somewhat unstable in a business context. However the benefits are often worth the potential bugs.
We love RealWriter
In fact, every week we create content to help RealWriter work even better.
Now here’s the part where I quit being quite so silly.
In the next day or so, we’ll be letting you know about a new program we’ve developed to support and promote really good content writers.
It’s the Copyblogger Content Certification program — to educate real writers (ahem), get them very smart about the underlying strategy that makes for really strong content marketing, hand-review their work, and certify that the best writers are ready to take on your projects and do terrific work for you.
If you’re a writer and you’re interested in becoming certified, you need to join our (free) MyCopyblogger marketing library to hear about it — we’ll be notifying everyone in that group in the next day or two with all the details.
If you haven’t joined us already, take care of that by entering your information here: Register for the Free Library
And if you aren’t using RealWriter today, and you’re seeing junk results from your content marketing program, now you know why. Stay tuned over the next weeks, and you’ll be seeing certified RealWriters, er, real writers, who are ready to produce excellent work for you.
* Note: All statistics have been made up. This installation of RealWriter is sometimes not so hot with real numbers. Your RealWriter may vary.
Wanna talk about RealWriter?
Come chat in the Google+ thread for this post — You can find it here.
Flickr Creative Commons image by LangfordW