After Brian didn’t run last week’s Wrap-up due to alleged technical issues, I got nervous and decided that I’d better secure my position around here by showing some evil initiative.
Eventually, after agonizing seconds of brain-wracking agony, I got the idea to defraud advertisers. So I called Xerox.
“This site has nothing to do with copying things,” the Xerox ad rep told me after clicking through a few posts.
“Are you crazy?” I said. “‘Copy’ is in the title. We’re running a series this summer on the many joys of having handy multiples of any document. First up: Filing. Then: Passing brochures out to friends.”
At that point, the Xerox rep hung up on me.
So, while I ponder my next evil plan to secure my position at Copyblogger (and also to rule the entire tri-state area), you might as well read what happened this week:
I’ve never liked the Grateful Dead, so I laughed out loud at the joke Brian told in the intro to this post. But then I kept reading and realized that those stoned dudes DID in fact know a thing or two about content marketing, as strange as it may seem. It’s enough to make me contemplate the color of the wind in my mind. Woah… heavy.
Think about it: Why would you possibly encourage bootlegging the way the Dead did? Because hippies or not, that band made a lot of money doing their thing and gained a ton of notoriety. So either it was chance, or they knew what they were up to from the beginning. Either way, I’ll bet they liked brownies.
Read on to find out how you can learn to be just as effective, and also maybe how you can get these huge pink elephants in my office to go away. I tried reading poetry to them, but that only made them turn into tie-dyed screwdrivers that begin disassembling the injustices of the world while Hendrix showed me the true path to zen neuroticism.
As a budding student of diabolical evil, I really related to what Robert Bruce wrote about Charles Bukowski, “I’ve only spent a few minutes with his now 16-year-old corpse lying in San Pedro.” Which is so funny because I was just lying around with several corpses I have here yesterday, albeit ones far less famous than Bukowski’s. What a coincidence!
What Robert learned from his chat with Bukowski’s corpse (I’m not totally certain here and may have that detail wrong; I was reading this post while hang gliding into a coral reef while on fire) was one tiny little should-be-obvious maxim that can make all the difference for anyone struggling to improve their writing. You don’t need a big instruction manual. You can’t just focus on hooks and structure and whatnot. You need to truly pay attention to one little thing.
I forgot what that one thing is, though. You’ll have to read to find out. I’d look for myself, but I can’t right now because I’m writing this while fighting reanimated mummies with nunchucks.
Finally, a handy guide to keep your blog from being used to wrap discarded fish!
This post by Mark McGuinness is all about how to make your content last longer, and how to get the most out of your writing. You can write a stream of mediocrity with no real plan for use and have people forgetting your stuff the day after you write it, or you can find ways to use it as part of a whole that becomes your content masterpiece. Just like Bach and that large poodle he wore on his head had going for them.
Honestly: How are you going to do any real evil in the world if nobody remembers what you do and instead uses your stuff to wrap fish and chips?
In this latest installment of the Landing Page Makeover Clinic, Roberta Rosenberg turns her watchful eye on HiddenSoy.com, a site dedicated to sniffing out (wait for it) the hidden dangers of soy in everyday foods — soy being something the site’s owner isn’t a fan of and doesn’t exactly think is health food, to put it mildly.
In this post, Roberta gives her 10-point critique of the site’s landing page, identifying ways that it can better convert visitors into more sales of the book The Hidden Dangers of Soy. But the bigger question (one that remains unasked and therefore suspiciously unanswered) is “WHO exactly is behind this nefarious soy plot?” Because it’s a sublimely evil plot, on par with a scheme to SET FIRE TO THE SUN! And what’s their purpose? Is it to decrease consumption of animal protein? Is it about eliminating a soy surplus? Does it have anything to do with “big laundry?” (I forgot what that means, but I promise you it’s evil.)
Anyway, check this post out if for no other reason than to fight Big Soy. It’s more important than just you or me.
Friday’s post was kind of poetic, so it doesn’t lend itself well to me writing a teaser other than for me to say “read it,” so I’ll just offer two quick things before repeating that you should read it:
1. Stephen King said “The book is the boss,” and Brian Clark said, “The writer runs this show.” Coincidence? Or are they the same person? Yet another unsolved and persistent mystery.
2. If I were invited to a dinner party thrown by zombies, I’d never go. Aside from the constant worry over whether I was there FOR dinner or AS dinner, I’ll bet the whole situation would be really awkward. And you know the conversation would be absolutely terrible:
“So, where do you and the family summer?”
You get the idea.
About the Author: Johnny B. Truant is a cartoonish supervillain who blogs at JohnnyBTruant.com and is behind many extraordinarily evil schemes involving space laser-inators and giant baking soda volcanos.