Johnny’s Copyblogger Wrap-Up:
Week of May 31, 2010

Let's Do it for Johnny!

Last week, Brian threatened to replace me as the writer of the Copyblogger Weekly Wrap-Up. All because I left for vacation without writing up the second post from last Friday, and chose instead to lay on the beach ogling bikini girls.

The ensuing confrontation on Monday was quite heated.

“Yeah, I ditched … what are you going to do about it?”

“I MADE you and I can BREAK you,” Brian responded, frothing angrily.

“It’s JOHNNY’S wrap-up,” I yelled back. “That name has mindshare, baby. You can’t fire me now because then there will be no JOHNNY. Check and mate!”

Unfortunately, he outfoxed me and I will retire after writing this intro. I hope you enjoy the remainder of this Wrap-Up, which has been written by the former guitarist for The Smiths, Johnny Marr.

Here’s what happened this week on Copyblogger:

Tuesday:

How to Dominate Your Niche Without Apology

This rollicking post was written by one Nathan Hangen, who explains why apology is bollocks when you’re trying to do your internet bloggery thing. Why stop in advance of trying to make a point to tell your readers, “Right-o, this is just my own opinion, and I’m not trying to convince you that it’s totally on the mark – you can just take it as being my own thoughts on the matter.”

That’s rubbish, and much too British for most of you. If you want to dominate your niche, you say what you have to say as if it’s fact, and you don’t pussy-foot about it.

Consider that Morrissey wanted us to play “Lifeguard Sleeping, Girl Drowning” and that several of us said, “Steven, honestly … what’s with you saying, ‘Hooray’ repeatedly while the girl is going under?” Do you think he knuckled under and said, “It’s my opinion that this lifeguard is lazy and might do such a thing?”

No. He said, “Shut up and play, Johnny … I have a hair appointment.”

Read the full post here.

Wednesday:

8 Reasons Rich People Hate Their Lives

I have to say that I didn’t initially agree with the title of this post. Smiths money has me richer than the queen, and I played in Modest Mouse and they paid okay too, and I don’t hate my life nearly as much as I hated playing “Vicar in a Tutu,” which, when you think about it, very few rich people are required to do.

Yet, some bird named Sonia wrote a whole report on the topic, and I see where she’s going with it. There are successful people like me who love their lives, and people like Morrissey who seem miserable with everything including success. So what makes the difference? You should read her report to find out.

(Honestly, Morrissey was a downer even in the best of times, and I’m pretty sure his lawn cuts itself because it’s so emo. So I’d wager that one of the 8 reasons rich people hate their lives is “because they’re Morrissey” — that depressive wank.)

Read the full post here.

Wednesday part 2:

Scribe: New Versions & Better Features

I can’t wait to get my proper new website and use Scribe on it. Then when people use Google to find out “who wrote the greatest Smiths song ever,” they’ll know it was me, not that miserable fop Morrissey.

In fact, let me ring up my web designer this instant.

“Hullo? See here chap, is my website live yet?”

“You’ve said that before … that joke isn’t funny anymore. I bloody well need an answer!”

“Look here – when you say it’s gonna happen now, well when exactly do you mean?”

{ click }

Bloody web designers.

Read the full post here.

Thursday:

10 Surefire Ways to Land More Customers

This post by David Brim explains how to treat your customers as if they were fish, even if they aren’t fish.

If you want them to bite on your offers, you have to “bait the hook properly.” If you want better odds of landing customers, you should “go where the fish are.” If you want to get more business out of existing clients, you “roll them in beer batter and deep fry them.” And if you’re working an upsell, you “serve them with chips and a pint.”

So if you want to land more customers, read this post. You could even do it while eating those fish and chips. Just don’t go crazy with the vinegar on the chips, because then you’ll stink and your customers will just say, “Bugger off; You Reek-A!!”

Read the full post here.

Friday:

How to Build a Successful Business with a Small Audience

It’s a shame that Truant got sacked because I understand he has some sort of fixation with gnomes, and this post about “small audiences” was cheekily topped with a photo of lawn gnomes. (Lawn gnomes are diminutive, hence a brilliant play on the synonym “small.” Get it? Jolly good fun!)

The post itself by Jonathan Mead (who I understand is not diminutive) is about creating a profitable business without having scads of subscribers and readers. Essentially (and Jonathan explains how this is done) you do this by making that small audience very loyal.

Which makes sense, really, because though The Smiths weren’t as massively successful as say, the Rolling Stones, our fans would hop into wood chippers on our command. Even the ones who weren’t suicidal already, and I’d guess that was at least 25 percent of them.

Read the full post here.

About the Author: Johnny Marr is the critically-acclaimed former guitarist for The Smiths, most recently a member of Modest Mouse, and the composer of How Soon is Now?, the greatest Smiths song ever written.

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Comments

  1. So is “Rollicking” more rolling, rocking, or licking?

  2. Hey, can we keep Johnny Marr? I like Truant and all, but that line about the grass cutting itself was hysterical.

  3. I dunno John … Marr found my secret shrine to Robert Smith of the Cure, and threw a big ol’ hissy. And I thought Truant was a prima donna.

  4. Johnny B. Truant :

    Smith? And I thought Morrissey had hair appointments. When I met Smith, he had a large cheese pizza caught in his hair and didn’t even know it was there.

    Also, he took offense that we called ourselves “The Smiths” and suggested we change it to “Marrissey.” True story.

    Most sincerely,
    Johnny Marr

  5. Let’s keep Johnny Marr, one of the greatest guitarists ever. Don’t omit his work on Electronic in his bio, awesome body of work.

  6. I dunno Truant, “How Soon Is Now” definitely has the best intro of any Smiths song and it is haunting, but, “This Charming Man” had more overall appeal in my not at all humble opinion.

    Personally I was more of a Jam fan and I was shocked the other day when I found a badge from a concert that said on it “Jam ‘em in 79″ Yes indeed it was 3frickin1 years ago.

    As I am rambling about nothing let me continue. in 1982 I went to a gig that had U2 as the SUPPORT! On with them were the Beat (called The English Beat over here) who were awesome.

    2 years ago I went to see them play again here in Orlando and they were still great although I felt a tad old watching a band perform the same songs I had eagerly jumped about to 27 years earlier. I waved my colostomy bag eagerly though.

  7. Tim, if Mr. Marr says “How Soon is Now?” is is the greatest Smiths song ever, it bloody well is.

    And why are you addressing Truant? Did he sneak back in here?

  8. Andrew, Marr also did incredible work with Matt Johnson’s The The in the 90s. Great stuff.

    But he writes like a punk from Ohio trying to sound British, edited by a clown in Texas. I can’t figure that out.

  9. @ Brian – Oops sorry my bad, after all JM should know, right?

    How about a serious of iconic pop stars doing the wrap up?

    I’d like to see a surly Paul Weller complain about everything and then blame it all on Maggie Thatcher and the Conservative Government.

    Then you could get Pete Townsend to do a brilliant, enigmatic, solo wrap up before smashing the site to bits and kicking Truant in the nuts as he lay on the ground.

    And maybe Robert E Smith could cover his wrap up with mascara and then make it wear a huge black shirt attempting to disguise the fact it was simply too fat to be parading round a cool site like this ;-)

  10. Johnny B. Truant :

    Damn, how old are you, Brownson? Not that I know who the hell you are, but I know everyone ELSE is curious.

    There’s a chance that the Texas clown might have added the thing about the best Smiths song ever. If that turned out to be true, it’s also possible that both Truant and I might really like “How Soon is now?” but find it hard to nail down a favorite out of the entire “Louder Than Bombs” collection.

    Most sincerely,
    Johnny Marr

  11. Tim, your hurtful comment about Robert Smith has just made scores of emo girls cry. No wait … that was completely unrelated.

    ;)

  12. I didn’t realize that you composed How Soon Is Now. It IS the best Smiths song. No matter what rich people think.

    Is it really time to learn about Scribe? I’ve been resistant which is another word for lazy.

  13. Steve Morris :

    ‘Lifeguard Sleeping, Girl Drowning’ is from ‘Vauxhall and I’, which was recorded some 8 years after they last worked together. So, you know, he wouldn’t have said that to Johnny. You don’t have to be an anorak to know that either ;-)

  14. Steve, yes, well … umm, I don’t know if you know this, but there was a lot of drug use in the 80s. And the 90s, for that matter.

    In fact, I’m pretty sure whomever wrote this post is on drugs as we speak. Not the editor who should have fact-checked it, mind you, just the writer.

  15. Johnny B. Truant :

    Actually, I did play on Vauxhall. Morrissey asked me to, and then at the end didn’t want to pay me.

    I said, “Oy! Give me my money!”

    He said, “I don’t have the money. Tell you what. As a compromise, how about we just not credit you on the album and pretend you don’t exist instead?”

    In retrospect, it wasn’t my best day as a negotiator.

    Sincerely -
    Johnny Trua-, erm, I mean Marr

  16. Johnny Marr was the best new Johnny y’all could find?

    Dang… he wasn’t even the best performer of “How Soon Is Now.” Didn’t you see Charmed?!? Love Spit Love pwned that track.

    If you need help getting in touch with Rivers, Depp or Five, drop me a line… I know people.

    (PS: I used to have the hots for Robert Smith. The last time I saw him live, he looked like Uncle Fester. Major turn-off. As in, “turn off the lights so he can’t see what a whore I am.” It was fun.)

  17. Jess, tell me about it. I tried for Johnny Carson, but apparently he’s dead.

  18. I’ll tell you how old I am Marr, my first car was a Vauxhall Viva!

    I’m 329 in doggie years, so I’m wearing quite well although that picture in the attic looks dreadful.

  19. I thought the name Johnny B. Truant was hella clever…

  20. @ Linda – Please don’t encourage him because he’s not the Messiah he’s a very naughty boy.

  21. I’ll take Hank Williams layin’ down some chops any day. All you punk rockers don’t know what real music is. Whenever you need inspiration, Johnny…listen to the original ” Statue of a Fool” By Jack Greene, for a song that will rip your guts out. (Ricky Van Shelton did a passable cover).

    If you’re ever gonna be a great writer, ya gotta experience pain to find passion. Of course, some will say that listening to country music is all the pain they need.

    Seriously…I love both Johnny Truant and Johnny Marr.

    Steve Benedict
    Country Music DJ- Emeritus

  22. I think Steve has set the stage for our next Johnny — the man in black himself. He will, sadly, have to put the post together from beyond the grave, but surely we can manage that. And June can fix his spelling.

  23. Sonia, you well know our wish list in order of desirability:

    1. Johnny Cash
    2. Johnny Carson
    3. Johnny Rotten
    4. Johnny Marr
    5. Johnny Knoxville

    When you look at it that way, it could have been much worse.

  24. “Pussyfooting”? “British”?!

    I say old chap, I don’t like to complain but don’t you think that’s a little, um, well, you know…

    Some people – I’m not saying me – might take offence at that kind of thing. I’m sure you didn’t mean any harm, but it’s possible that um, well… er actually on second thoughts I’ve probably misunderstood. I’m always getting the wrong end of the stick.

    So sorry.

  25. Brian – if you want to appeal to Brits of a certain age, you should know there’s a groundswell of support for Johnny Morris. http://bit.ly/c40drc

    Don’t think I didn’t notice the Thesis ad on that particular clip. I can’ tell you’ve done your keyword research. ;-)

  26. We can add a French contingent and get Johnny Hallyday as well.

  27. Hi guys,

    Thanks for the wrap-up Johnny. Very entertaining as usual. I didn’t really have a favorite blog this week. I guess everybody had too much holiday. LOL!!!

    Kind regards,
    Sam
    X

  28. Quinn Mallory :

    Good write-up, but sorry you lost your job as writer for Copyblogger. : (

  29. Hey Guy,

    I think you missed a letter. It’s insanity. not inanity. lol