Landing Page Makeover Clinic #4:

Landing Page Makeover

Today’s makeover is for Victor Holtreman’s ebook, The Last 10 Pounds. He’s sold 1,000 copies at $12.95 each, but conversion lately has been lacking at just .87%. He’s looking to pop his conversion rate and sell more books.

Here’s the background:

  • The Goal
    Increase conversion rate from less than 1% to 3%.
  • The Problem
    Previous page(s) were more successful than current efforts. Several attempts, including restoring the original page, have not been effective in recapturing the conversion rates of the past.
  • The Current Landing Page
  • Page/Ad that Generates the Click-Through
    Click here to view

Got it? Good. Let’s see what we can do…

The Maven’s 10-Point Critique

Last 10 PoundsClick image for larger view

#1 – “Beef up” the testosterone from headline to close and focus your efforts on the male desire for a stronger, trimmer body.

Although your background material states that your target market is both male and female, there’s nothing female in your photos, copy, or testimonials. That’s fine because I think you should focus on fitness/health needs of men, ages 30-60 (or even more narrowly to 35-55). By focusing on one target market, your copy will inherently read more strongly to that market.

#2 – In line with Point #1, revise the visuals in the banner.

I couldn’t tell if you’re featuring a male or female in the thinner waist image. Revise to an obviously male “6-pack” or perhaps a good looking woman draped over some average looking guy with a great abs. Also there’s too much copy in your yellow burst. What’s the most important idea here? Distill to one strong, readable phrase to make it count.

#3 – Revise your headline to focus on the “promise” of what losing the last 10 pounds can mean to a middle-aged man.

The promise is a leaner, stronger body that give you more confidence, a greater sense of well-being which translates to greater vitality in the “boardroom and bedroom.”

Last 10 PoundsClick image for larger view

#4 – Dump the chart, add more before and after photos.

There’s a reason why so many weight-loss promotions use before/after photos and that’s because they work. Prospects want to see photos of folks like themselves and the results of the “magic” performed. All of them should show men in the target group. Just average guys who took your advice, worked the program, and got terrific results as promised.

#5 – Strengthen the testimonials with real attribution or incorporate them as simple quotes to your copy.

Testimonials signed by “Alan D.” tend to look worthless and/or fake. Ask your customers to let you use their Full name, City/State and a before/after photo. Combine with Point #3 and you’ll have credible, meaningful testimonials that will immediately bolster your claims.

#6 – “Letterize” your copy and open with a Dear Friend salutation.

This isn’t any story, this is your personal story that you want to share with other men just like you. You understand the struggle and frustration, but you’ve learned the secret and are reaping the rewards and you’re eager to share the good news. Try starting your copy at “Does this sound familiar?” or perhaps even more plainly, “I was just like you.” and eliminate a lot of the “warm-up” copy upfront. Your lead has to get right to the point so your prospects can orient themselves to your message you’re about to deliver. Sign your letter with a friendly, You can do this” and add your signature.

Last 10 PoundsClick image for larger view

#7 – Add stronger subheads so that any “scanner” can quickly get a read on the benefits your ebook offers.

You have exactly one subhead in red which doesn’t do anything to move your message along. Think of your subheads as mini-headlines or as “section heads” that announce with some sort of benefit the value of reading the next paragraph and the next.

#8 – Strengthen your ebook description with specifics and excitement – what exactly will your prospect learn by reading your book?

Your section, What You’ll Find…”, is vague and listless. Quantify the tips – You’ll learn the 3 best ways to … Discover what 6 lies about weight loss are holding you back … and so forth. Your copy can’t be matter-of-fact. It needs a personable, genuine tone infused with “I can’t wait to tell you about this, it’s so important” energy. Also, show me a copy of what the ebook looks like. Doesn’t have to be fancy but folks read “book” they expect to see a cover of some sort.

Last 10 PoundsClick image for larger view

#9 – Up the price, highlight the bonuses, and add a strong guarantee.

I agree that $7 is too low for this kind of specialized information. So double the price and offer a great guarantee. You’re also limping into your bonuses. Had I not fully read the copy – and many of your prospects won’t – I wouldn’t even know you had 2 of them. Pump them up in a highlighted section with a strong subhead and add a $value to them. Your closing is your last chance to move your prospect from “I don’t know” to “Sure, why not?”

#10 – Tout your success!

You’ve sold 1,000 copies – put that in a big, fast burst in the first screen. That’s a lot of credibility you could be using to sell even more books.

My thanks to Victor Holtreman for his support of Heifer International.

Here’s your chance to be the Copywriting Maven’s next landing page makeover!

Got a landing page that’s more poop than pop? Willing to share with Copyblogger readers? Prepared to put a little of your own “skin in the game” for a Maven Makeover? Then follow your click to Maven’s Landing Page Makeover page for all the details. (Please note that I’m booked for charitable critiques until 10/1. If you’re interested in a private critique/makeover, please email me directly.)

Roberta Rosenberg is The Copywriting Maven at MGP Direct, Inc.

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Reader Comments (27)

  1. says

    This was incredibly informative. When I finally get my personal development book put together, I’ll be using the great ideas I’ve learned here to optimize sales.

    And in case I haven’t mentioned it previously, I love this Web site!

  2. says

    These posts really show practical ways that everyone can do to improve their own writing and efficiency. Thanks a lot!

  3. says

    I have a question in regards to the layout of landing pages. Why is it that its seems that every product landing page that I have come across lately has the layout like the one above? I’m not saying it bad, just want to know… is this becoming a standard? Straight lined sides, dotted lined boxes for focus, large bold initial lines of text making use of yellow highlights…

    Is this an application people are using, service, or are sellers just copying this layout?

    I’m thinking about creating a blog post on my seo blog talking about this but would like to get some answers first.


  4. says

    Troy, I think the benifit, of that kind of layout is it’s singular purpose. As a designer I always try to get my clients to emphisise just 1 benifit or feature. They don’t always go for that. And to tell you the truth, I myself have trouble with that.

    Great Post again on copyblogger! I really love your blog, with it’s almost singular purpose:)

  5. says

    Troy, Glyphius only helps with word choice. There’s another product called ScribeFire that I think also does layout, but I need to look into it.

  6. says

    Again, I find the inside of the maven’s mind to be a fascinating place.

    Can’t wait for the time when I have an appropriate page to put in the ring.

  7. says

    I bet you are constantly seeing room for improvement everywhere you look.

    Ever slipped up and told someone that their haircut is distracting from their overall message or some similar critique? ; )

  8. says

    I charge my private clients, but I’m happy to share a little the occasional analysis with Copyblogger readers who in turn help support Heifer International.

    It’s all good :)

  9. says

    Roberta, I’m addicted to these. There’s really no substitute for a concrete and real example.

    Troy, I’m curious too–I keep wondering if there’s some dark overlord of the long form sales page. Dan Kennedy has a lot to say about them, and so does Mark Widawer, who packages very specific tips on how to put them together.

  10. Pacaw Ebnia says

    You should create a workshop or teleclass on copywriting! I’d love to learn more from you and to be able to apply it to my own writing for my site.

  11. says

    Squeeze Page VS. Long Sales Letter?

    This is a great study in landing page layout as well as specific copy writing engineered to the target market. It’s something i’m trying to do over at chilesadvertising and I don’t know if i should do Squeeze Page=goal is free consultation or if i should do a long landing page letter?

  12. says

    Thanks for writing this out! Really great information! Love how you explain it in much more detail than even some ebooks I’ve bought on creating landing pages!

  13. says

    Thanks, Rich – when you read several of the makeovers, you’ll get a strong sense of what to do, what NOT to do and with an emphatic – test your assumptions.

  14. says

    I’m interested in more about the e-book landing pages. I’ve spent some time looking at a number of examples. They all generally follow the same form.

    Any thoughts on what
    1) They are single long pages
    2) They have Dear Friend:
    3) If this is the best format for e-book landing pages or just that everyone is copying everyone else.

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